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Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


lABE  MARTIN'S 
ALMANACK 


BY 
^'^''      KIN    HUBBARD 


Being  a  Faithful  Full  Year's  Record  of  the  Sayings  and 
Doings  of  Abe  Martin  and  his  Neighbors,  together 
with  Biographies  of  the  Same  and  Much  Valu- 
able Information  for  Those  Who  Prefer  to 
Live   by  Agriculture,  along  with    Miss 
Fawn  Lippincut's  Spirited  Replies 
to     Timely     Questions     from 
Many  Sources. 


ILLUSTRATED    BY  THE   AUTHOR 


One  Dollar  Net 


GARDEN    CITY         NEW   YORK 
DOUBLEDAY,   PAGE   &    COMPANY 


ALL  RIGHTS  RESERVED,  INCLUDING  THAT  OF  TRANSLATION 
LNTO  FOREIGN  LANGUAGES,  INCLITDING  THE   SCANDINAVIAN 


COPYRIGHT,  I9II,  BY  DOUBLEDAY,  PAGE  &  COMPANY 


THE   COUNTRY   LIFE   PRESS,    GARDEN   CITY.    NEW    YORK 


To  my  old  and  esteemed  friend, 

Romeo  Johnson, 

I  dedicate  this  little  volume 


Co  l^in  i^ubtiarli— 

tl)e  JFatt)et  of  pi$  Counttpman, 
^bt  ^artin : 

ABE  MARTIN!  — dad-burn  his  old  picture! 
P'tends  he's  a  Brown  County  fixture  — 
A  kind  of  comical  mixture 

Of  hoss-sense  and  no  sense  at  all ! 
His  mouth,  like  his  pipe,  's  alius  goin'. 
And   his    thoughts,    like    his    whiskers,    is 

flowin* — 
And  what  he  don't  know  ain't  worth  knowin' — 

Prom  Genesis  clean  to  baseball ! 


The  author,  Kin  Hubbard,  's  so  keerless 
He  draws  Abe  'most  eyeless  and  earless  ; 
But  he's  never  yit  pictured  him  cheerless 

Er  with  fun  'at  he  tries  to  conceal  — 
"Whuther  onto  the  fence  er  clean  over 
A-rootin'  up  ragweed  er  clover, 
Skeert  stiff  at  some  "Rambler"  er  "Rover" 

Er  new  fangled  automobeel. 


It's  a  purty  steep  climate  old  Brown's  in; 
And  the  rains  therehis  ducks  nearly  drowns  in 
The  old  man  hisse'f  \vades  his  rounds  in 

As  ca'm  and  serene,  mighty  nigh, 
As  the  old  handsaw  hawg,  er  the  mottled 
Milch-cow,  er  the  old  rooster  wattled 
Like  the  mumps  had  him  'most  so  well 
throttled 

That  it  w^uz  a  pleasure  to  die. 

But  best  of  'em  all's  the  fool-breaks  'at 
Abe  don't  see  at  all,  and  yit  makes,  'at 
Both  me  and  you  lays  back  and  shakes  at 

His  comic,  miraculous  cracks, 
Which  makes  him  — clean  back  of  the  power 
Of  genius  itse'f  in  its  flower  — 
This  Notable  Man  of  the  Hour, 

Abe  Martin,  the  Joker  on  Facts. 

Very  truly  your  old  Hoosier  friend 

JAMES  WHITCOMB  RILEY 

Indianapolis,  Indiana. 


KIN 


Kin  Hubbard  !  Why  "  Kin"  ?  What  does 
that  "Kin"  stand  for?  "Hubbard"  is  a 
name  we  all  know ;  it  is  fairly  common. 
But  "Km"?  For  years,  knowing  him,  I 
puzzled  myself  about  why  that  was  his 
name.  I  kept  wondering  why  he  had  chosen 
it  and  from  what  he  had  abbreviated  it. 
And  then  it  came  to  me  that  he  had  not 
purposely  done  it.  It  just  happened  on  him. 
At  any  rate,  he  awoke  one  morning  and 
found  that  one  touch  of  nature  had  indeed 
made  the  whole  world  Kin's. 

BOOTH   TARKINGTON 


Abe  Martin's  Almanack 


ABE    MARTI  N'S 


Abe  Martin 

l^raton  by  Caar  C.  VCft'/ltams.  _from  a  da^uer- 

reoiype  iaKen  on  the  ienth  annit)er^ary 
JfSk     of  the  jigning  o_f  the  commercial 
treaty  betbifeen  the  X/nited 
Spates  and  the  Otto- 
man Porte 


ALMANACK 

Ther's  no  conjestion  o'  traffic  on 
Easy  Street. 

A  firm  chin  is  helpless  without  a 
stiff  upper  lip. 

You  never  see  idleness  and  worry 
arm  in  arm. 

Two  hobbles  make  a  harem. 

Tell  Binkley  found  two  dollars  in  a 
ole  vest  yisterday  an'  he  can't  t^^ 
who  he  owes  'em  to. 

It's  funny  folks  can't  eat  soup  with- 
out thinkin'    ther  bailin'  out  a  cistern. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


Tell  Binkley  has  traded  his  sister's 
farm  fer  a  new  torpedo  shaped  racin* 
car. 

V 

Th*  feller  that  takes  a  drink  with  a 
stranger  an'  his  watch  er  soon  parted. 


Ex-editur  Cale  Fluhart  has  come 
out  flat  footed  fer  th'  licensed  saloon 
as  he  says  a  fellow  will  sometimes 
pay  fer  his  paper  after  he's  been 
drinkin'. 

V 

Ther'  haint  nothin'  as  demoralizin' 
as  a  holiday. 

I  hate  t'  eat  by  a  feller  that  holds 
his  arms  like  a  snare  drummer. 


ALMANACK 


A  bank  never  loses  a  opportunity  t' 
close. 

V 

A   loafer  must  feel  funny  when  a 
holiday  comes  along. 


Melodeon  Hall  is  t'  be  whitewashed 
on  th'  inside  as  it  smells  like  a  justice 
o'  th'  peace  office. 


Any  boy  would  rather  have  a 
spoonful  o'  castor  oil  than  a  educa- 
tion. 

It's  nice  t'  live  in  a  little  town 
where  you  don't  have  t'  give  some- 
buddy  a  dime  t'  hold  your  overcoat. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


Curt  Hedges,  o'  th'  Fin  de  Siecle 
tonsorial  parlor,  has  organized  a  quar- 
tet. He  has  a  deep  thick  voice  like  a 
bumble  bee  in  a  jug. 


One  advantage  o'  livin'  in  a  little 
town  is  that  you  er  absolutely  sure  t' 
see  at  least  one  performance  o'  St. 
Elmo  ever'  season. 

What's  become  o'  th'  ole  fashioned 
girl  that  used  t'  say  "lips  that  touch 
wine  shall  never  touch  mine  ?" 


Somebuddy  wuz  seen  comin'  out  o' 
our  Carnegie  library  Wednesday  fore- 
noon. 


ALMANACK 


A  feller  alius  speaks  o'  goin'  with  a 
widow  like  it  wuz  somethin'  smart. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 

Fun  is  like  life  insurance,  th'  older 
you  git  th'  more  it  costs. 

If  it  wuzn'  fer  good  fer  nothin*  triflin' 
fellers,  who'd  peddle  sassafras? 

V 

A  uniform  an'  a  celluloid  collar  er 
inseparable. 

If  ther's  anything  a  public  servant 
hates  t'  do  it's  somethin*  fer  th'  public. 

A  feller  haint  married  very  long  till 
he  begins  t'  buy  mud  colored  shirts. 

If  ther's  anything  worse  than  big 
business  it's  mighty  small  business. 


ALMANACK 


Th'  only  time  some  fellers  ever  dig 
in  th' garden  is  jist  before  they  go  a 
fishin'. 

What's  become  o'  th'  ole  time  girl 
that  used  t'  wait  patiently  till  th'  right 
feller  come  along  ? 

Mrs.  Aaron  Shot  has  dropped  out  o' 
the  Art  Embroidery  Club  and  sub- 
scribed fer  a  newspaper. 

V 

Lafe  Bud  is  gitten'  t*  look  so  shabby 
he  only  shows  up  on  dress  suit  occa- 
sions. 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  talks  some  o* 
goin'  on  th'  stage  in  a  film  so  she 
won't  have  t'  walk  home. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


Who  remembers  th'  good  ole  fash- 
ioned days  when  th'  only  time  you 
smelled  bacon  wuz  when  you  passed 
a  workin'  man's  home  ? 


Some  fellers  wear  a  suit  o'  clothes 
so  long  ther  in  style  two  er  three  times 
without  knowin'  it. 


Lafe  Bud  says  he's  got  a  uncle  that 
dresses  so  well  he  heats  his  home 
with  suit  boxes. 

Nothin's  as  aggrevatin'  as  gittin'  a 
circular  when  you're  lookin'  fer  money. 

Tell  Binkley  entertained  a  lot  o* 
green  relatives  on  St.  Patrick's  Day 


ALMANACK 

You'll  alius'  find  th'  same  ole  Satur- 
day night  crowd  everywhere  but 
home. 

Madame  Neuralgia, th'  clairovoyant, 
has  rented  a  room  next  t'  th'  barber 
shop.  She  unravels  th'  past,  tells  you 
where  your  umbrella  is,  an*  how  t* 
keep  from  buyin'  a  pianner. 

Miss  Tawney  Apple  is  organizin'  a 
hammerless  card  club. 

V 

Say  what  you  please  about  a  fly,  it 
alius  sticks  t'  its  home  paper. 

Th'  trouble  with  havin'  friends  is 
th'  upkeep. 


ABE    MARTI  N'S 


I  was  just  thinkin'  about  th'  ole 
Bryan  banquets  —  wilted  lettuce  an' 
tri-colored  ice  cream. 


What's  become  o'  th'  dentist  that 
used  t'  fill  your  mouth  full  o'  rubber 
an'  then  ask  you  about  your  folks  ? 


If  at  first  you  don't  succeed  don't 
try  again. 

Th*  leader  o'  th'  orchestry  at  Melo- 
deon  Hall  has  a  new  black  sweater. 


Th'  great  struggle  o'  labor  seems 
t'  be  t'  do  so  much  an'  keep  from 
doin'  any  more. 


ALMANACK 


MISS  FAWN  LIPPINCUT 

Besides  being  a  finished  recitationist  and 
a  tasty  trimmer  Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  is 
just  roguish  enough  to  buy  chewing  gum 
at  a  cigar  store  or 
get  a  seat  on  a  dol- 
lar excursion.  Miss 
Lippincut  gets  her 
dramatic  instinct 
from  her  father, 
who  was  a  hostler 
with  Grady's  circus 
and  later  wrote 
some  creditable  cal- 
liope scores.  Miss 
Lippincut,  in  ten- 
derly recalling  vari- 
ous incidents  in  her 
father's  life,  relates 
that  the  notes  of 
the  calHope  scores 
were  as  large  as  cro- 
quet balls  and  beautifully  executed.  "Don't 
Go  Down  Town  After  Supper,  Father,  Dear" 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


is  from  the  pen  of  Miss  Lippincut,  and  she 
is  also  the  author  of  several  short  stories 
that  are  somewhere  in  the  East,  not  having 
been  returned  to  her. 

Miss  Lippincut  is  single  and  happy,  and 
wiU  continue  her  literary  work,  not  caring 
to  be  a  trained  nurse. 


ALMANACK 

Don't  worry  over  trouble,  it  never 
broke  a  date  yet. 

"^ 

Th'  guests  o'  th'  New  Palace  hut-tel 
were  aroused  at  nine  o'clock  this 
mornin'  by  th'  fumes  from  a  hot  box 
en  th'  roller  towel  an'  rushed  frantic- 
ally into  the  streets  thinly  clad. 

While  goin'  after  fishin'  worms  in 
a  field  where  his  wife  wuz  plowin' 
Tipton  Bud  found  a  Indian  dart. 

A  good  natured  feller  gits  all  th' 
thankless  jobs. 

There's  a  reason  fer  ever'thing  — 
unless  it  is  side  whiskers. 


ABE    MARTI  N'S 


A  feller  never  knows  what  he  would 
o'  done  till  he's  been  married  a  couple 
o*  years. 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  will  probably 
stop  her  literary  work  'cause  she 
writes  so  legibly. 


Ole  Aaron  Shot,  whose  wife  died 
Monday,  was  married  agin  last  night. 
When  th'  boys  started  t'  bell  him  he 
come  t*  his  door  an'  said,  "  Shame  on 
you,  don't  you  know  ther  wuz  a 
funeral  here  not  three  days  ago  ?  " 

'V 

Th'  trouble  with  banquets  is  that 
they  set  you  so  close  t'gether  it  knocks 
th'  peas  off  your  knife. 


ALMANACK 


HON.  EX-EDITOR  GALE 
FLUHART 

Hon.  Ex-editor  Cale  Fluhart  was  born  of 
Republican  parents  in  a  county  that  was 
overwhelmingly  Democratic  and  became 
the  sole  support  of 
his  entire  family  at 
a  tender  age.  His 
early  life  was  just 
one  long,  continu- 
ous combat  with 
about  everything 
that  is  Hable  to 
happen  to  a  fellow 
who  is  in  the  minor- 
ity and  without 
funds. 

One  bright  mor- 
ning young  Fluhart 
took  over  a  country  newspaper  called  The  Ga- 
zette-Banner-Ledger in  a  horse  trade  and  at 
once  set  about  to  change  its  political  leanings 
to  suit  the  general  contour  of  his  home 
county.    In  a  short  time  he  worked  up  to 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


an  alpaca  coat  and  commenced  to  look  like 
a  regiilar  editor.  With  due  bills  on  every 
store  in  town  he  soon  became  the  envy  of 
the  whole  country  side.  Accepting  a  lavish 
offer  for  his  holdings  he  bought  The  Shield 
oj  Liberty  in  northern  Ohio.  After  some 
weeks  he  traded  The  Shield  of  Liberty  for 
The  Roundhead  Bugle,  which  he  published 
for  several  days  before  buying  The  Herald 
of  Truth  in  southern  Ohio,  which  he  subse- 
quently sold  in  order  to  give  his  full  attention 
to  The  Democratic  Lance,  a  new  paper  which 
he  had  estabhshed  the  week  before  in 
the  Western  Reserve.  Selling  The  Lance 
and  buying  The  Union  in  eastern  Ohio,  Mr. 
Fluhart  once  more  directed  his  energies  in 
behalf  of  the  Republican  party.  Being 
defeated  for  postmaster  Mr.  Fluhart  changed 
the  political  tone  of  The  Union  and  later 
traded  it  for  a  thriving  Democratic  paper  in 
Georgia.  After  an  unsuccessful  race  for 
the  nomination  for  Attorney  General  of 
Georgia  Mr.  Fluhart  sold  out  and  launched 
a  Republican  paper  in  one  of  the  river  coun- 
ties of  Ohio.    Being  defeated  for  the  Col- 


ALMANACK 


lector  of  Revenue  in  his  district  Mr.  Fluhart 
suspended  publication  and  went  to  Dakota 
and  established  The  Northwest.  In  this 
last  venture  Mr.  Fluhart's  attempt  to  purify 
the  community  was  discouraged  by  a  fire 
that  completely  destroyed  his  oflSce.  His 
loss,  which  included  nine  Stetson  hats  along 
with  the  paper's  mechanical  equipment, 
completely  ruined  him  and  he  returned  to 
the  east  and  settled  in  Brown  County,  In- 
diana. Aside  from  attacking  some  of  our 
modem  vagaries  over  his  own  signature 
Mr.  Fluhart  gives  his  whole  attention  to 
perfecting   a   Ught-running   towel   roller. 

PROFESSOR  ALEX  TANSEY 

Occasionally  we  meet  a  fellow  in  some  hon- 
ourable walk  in  hfewho  was  once  a  dominant 
figure  in  politics,  and  Professor  Alexander 
Tansey,  the  subject  of  this  sketch,  is  a  splen- 
did example. 

Professor  Tansey  was  graduated  from  the 
Ann  Arbor,  Michigan,  Law  School  after  pass- 
ing through  all  the  ups  and  downs  in  the  cate- 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


gory  of  tough  sledding.  With  an  endless  flow 
of  beautiful  English  at  his  command  and  a 
style  of  expression  rarely 
encountered  he  soon  be- 
came a  powerful  Demo- 
crat. One  cold  day  in 
the  winter  of  1896  he 
was  found  in  his  office 
exhausted  from  hunger 
and  almost  frozen,  and 
induced  to  accept  a  po- 
sition as  teacher  in  a 
school  inBrown  County, 
Indiana.  During  the 
evenings  Mr.  Tansey 
II  \\W^        "k  reads  a  little  medicine 

\H  \l  %      .^k          ^^^   ^^   vacation   time 
i.vHUIX    ^^HM  jjg  solicits  for  a  work 

called  "Gems  o'  Verse 
and  Prose."  He  also  has 
the  exclusive  rights  to 
four  counties  for  the 
Little  Monitor  Churn 
and  is  a  regular  contributor  to  Pleasant 
Moments  and  other  big  Eastern  publications. 


ALMANACK 


Ther  haint  nothin'   a  woman  likes 
better'n  havin'  somethin'  charged. 


Th'  odor  o'  buckwheat  an'  sausage 
can't  be  counterfeited. 


Pinky  Kerr  says  he  never  had  but 
one  girl  an'  it  took  two  fellers  t'  beat 
his  time  — workin'  afternoon  and  night 
shifts. 

Th'  good  ole  cross-barred  dried 
apple  pie  haint  hardly  ever  encoun- 
tered any  more,  'cept  in  the  sparsely 
settled  districts. 

A  kicker  is  nearly  alius  wrong. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 

It  must  be  nice  t'  run  a  boardin' 
house  an*  not  have  t'  worry  'bout 
somethin'  different  fer  dinner  ever'  day. 

V 

It's  wonderful  how  well  informed 
th*  average  loafer  is. 

Nothin'  kin  look  as  out  o'  place  as 
bean  soup  on  a  black  shirtwaist. 

V 

Miss  Germ  Williams  is  gettin'  t'  be 
more  versatile  all  th'  time.  T'day 
she  wrote  two  newspaper  recipes — 
one  fer  bean  salad  an'  one  fer  furni- 
ture polish. 

A  sympathizer  is  a  feller  that's  fer 
you  as  long  as  it  don't  cost  anything. 


ALMANACK 


A  optimist  is  alius  broke. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


I  wonder  who  gits  all  th'  big  lumps 
o*  coal? 

Thanksgivin'    ushers    in    th'    open 
season  fer  relatives. 


One  good  thing  'bout  bavin'  one 
suit  o'  clothes  —  you've  alius  got  your 
lead  pencil. 

Nothin's  as  irritatin'  as  th'  fellow 
that  chats  pleasantly  while  he's  over- 
chargin'  you. 

Ther's  gittin  t'  be  too  many  folks 
that  work  jist  long  enough  t'  git  a  suit 
o'  clothes. 


ALMANACK 

Miss  Mazie  Bud  is  gittin'  t'  be  so 
purty  she  haint  got  a  girl  friend. 

V 

A  Saw  Mill  in  Winter,  a  delicate 
little  water  color  from  th'  brush  o' 
Miss  Tawney  Apple  is  excitin'  much 
favorable  comment.  Her  ability  is 
native  as  her  father  used  t'  paint  tar- 
gets in  a  shootin'  gallery. 

Tell  Binkley  says  he  alius  hates  th' 
first  o'  th'  month,  when  we  all  git  let- 
ters with  isinglass  fronts. 

March  i8,  i860.  Matthew  Smith,  famous 
financier,  was  born  in  Boston,  Mass.  He 
was  reared  in  poverty  and  was  almost  41 
years  old  before  he  raised  his  first  two-dollar 
bill.    He  died  in  prison. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


Knowin'  all  'bout  baseball  is  jist 
'bout  as  profitable  as  bein'  a  good 
whittler. 

A  roller  towel  wouldn'  be  so  bad  if 
th'  landlord  changed  th'  film  oftener. 


Th'   feller  that  won't  pay  anythin' 
believes  in  treatin*  ever'buddy  alike. 


Miss  Germ  Williams  jist  laughin'ly 
scratched  her  name  an'  address  on  a 
link  o'  bologna  last  campaign  an' 
t'day  she  received  a  copy  o'  Sen. 
Reed  Smoots'  speech  agin  Canadian 
reciprocity. 


KLMANACK 


MISS  GERM  WILLIAMS 

Miss  Germ  Williams  first  attracted  public 
attention  through  her  brilliant  editorials 
in  various  poultry  journals  and  her  many- 
valuable  suggestions 
pertaining  to  farm 
Ufe  in  America  are 
eagerly  sought  and 
relished  by  people  of 
all  professions.  She 
is  the  real  type  of 
the  literary  woman, 
paying  little  atten- 
tion to  her  hair  or 
the  commonest  rules 
of  tidiness.  She  is 
inclined  to  bulkiness  and  straight  lines  and 
would  not  let  a  social  obligation  stand  in 
the  way  of  an  onion  in  a  thousand  years. 
Following  are  a  few  choice  selections  from 
Miss  Williams's  pen: 

A  farmer  will  find  patent  leather  shoes 
to  be  more  comfortable  if,  before  putting 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


them  on,  he  breaks  an  egg  in  each  one. 
Any  kind  of  eggs  will  answer. 

A  croquet  ground  covered  with  fine  sand 
will  be  found  effective.  Any  kind  of  fine 
sand  will  do. 

A  celluloid  collar  may  be  cleansed  by  a 
solution  of  lye  and  emery  dust.  Any  coarse 
fibre  scouring  brush  will  do. 

In  a  country  home  where  spaghetti  is 
quite  popular  whiskers  should  either  be 
abandoned  entirely  or  closely  trimmed 
about  the  mouth.  Any  kind  of  scissors 
will  do. 

The  old  wire  spring  clothespin  makes  a 
fine  muffler  for  a  guinea. 

Poultry  raisers  will  find  sirloin  of  beef 
a  most  excellent  substitute  for  eggs. 

After  selling  a  carload  of  hogs  a  farmer 
should  never  stop  till  he  gets  home. 


ALMANACK 


Nickel  theatregoing  in  the  cool  of  the 
evening,  after  a  lukewarm  plunge,  will  be 
found  to  be  a  splendid  diversion  and  quite 
effective  —  especially  during  the  plowing 
season. 

Emerson's  Essays  and  Plutarch's  Lives 
may  now  be  had  in  cheap  but  durably  bound 
editions.  Why  not  make  the  farm  attrac- 
tive? 

The  excitement  of  farming  may  be  alle- 
viated by  frequent  trips  into  the  country. 

The  harrowing  experiences  of  farm  life 
are  aging  and  inclined  to  make  one  hate 
the  world.  Whenever  possible  something 
in  a  lighter  vein  should  be  provided. 

The  inclination  to  quit  the  farm  for  the 
monotony  of  city  life  is  already  a  serious 
problem  for  the  agriculturalist.  High  au- 
thority has  suggested  a  modification  of  the 
social  customs  —  croquet  being  severely  criti- 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


cized   as  not  only  being  demoralizing  but 
brutalizing  as  well. 

In  addition  to  her  earnings  from  poultry 
and  dairy  products  a  farmer's  wife  may  add 
a  snug  sum  to  her  exchequer  by  the  culti- 
vation of  camels.  The  combings  of  these 
useful  animals  are  made  into  brushes  of  the 
finest  texture  and  are  much  in  demand. 

A  farmer's  wife  may  while  away  her  long 
idle  afternoons  by  the  diabolo  exercises, 
which  are  both  exhilarating  and  conducive 
to  grace  and  symmetry  of  arms  and  limbs. 


ALMANACK 

What's  become  o'  th'  ole  fashioned 
spotted  coach  dog  that  used  f  snap  at 
ever'buddy  that  went  thro'  th'  livery 
stable  ? 

'Bout  th'  only  thing  a  newspaper 
don't  have  t'  exaggerate  is  a  automo- 
bile accident. 

V 

Uncle  Niles  Turner  will  soon  be 
as  ole  as  th'  jokes  in  a  woman's 
magazine. 

Sometimes  a  self-made  man  is  as 
poor  a  job  as  a  home-made  hair  cut. 

V 

A  newspaper  picture  makes  any- 
buddy  look  guilty. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


A  holiday  alius  makes  th'  next  day 
seem  like  Sunday,  'cept  th'  front  an' 
side  doors  o'  saloons  er  both  open. 


Th'  best  thing  'bout  a  player  planner 
is  that  you  don't  have  t'  coax  it. 

One  good  thing  about  a  little  town — 
you  kin  git  in  th'  band. 
1^ 

Th'  principal  trouble  with  folks 
that'll  pay  if  they've  got  it  is  that  they 
git  things  without  havin*  it. 

Ever'  feller  has  a  age  when  he  gits 
his  picture  took  with  his  hat  on. 


ALMANACK 


Query  Department 

Conducted  by  Miss  Fawn  Lippincut 

How  may  I  destroy  the  odour  of  a  grocery 
cigar?  Ethyl. 

Answer.  By  burning  a  trunk  strap.  This 
may  be  accompHshed  by  holding  small 
strips  of  the  strap, 
cut  after  the  fash- 
ion of  cheese  straws, 
between  the  thumb 
and  index-finger, 
over  the  flame  of  a 
small  oxidized  brass 
oil  burner.  Place 
the  burner  on  a 
small  square  mat. 
suggest  linoleum  for 
the  mat.  Odds  and 
ends  of  the  same 
may  be  procured  at 
a  trifling  cost  at  any  carpet  house.  'PJ'the 
absence  of  linoleum  use  a  cold  buckwheat 
cake. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


Is  it  a  violation  of  the  ethics  of  society 
to  kick  a  fellow  wearing  tan  shoes  and  a 
frock  coat?  Harry. 

Answer.  While  the  provocation  in  such 
an  instance  as  you  describe  would  be  very 
great  it  would  be  far  better  to  restrain  your- 
self, if  possible. 

What  may  be  used  for  a  pink  tea  when 
sassafras  is  out  of  season?        Henrietta. 

Answer.  The  answer  to  your  question 
will  be  found  on  page  lo,  column  3,  of  this 
paper  in  the  issue  of  Monday,  August 
17,  1879. 

I  am  keeping  company  with  a  young  man 
who  claims  to  love  me.  He  says  it  doesn't 
cut  any  ice  with  him  whether  I  know  how 
to  cook  or  not.  Shall  I  go  ahead  and  learn 
anyhow?  Carmen. 

Answer.  If  the  young  man's  age  is 
between  sixteen  and  twenty  your  mother 
should  be  in  easy  hailing  distance.  A  sUght 
knowledge  of  cooking  will  not  injure  you 
permanently. 


ALMANACK 


My  husband  has  been  offered  a  very 
lucrative  position  in  the  West.  Should  I 
give  up  the  presidency  of  an  Embroidery 
Club  and  go  with  him?  Mamie. 

Answer.  That  is  purely  a  question  to 
be  settled  between  yourselves.  In  case  of 
a  deadlock  your  mother  might  be  called  in 
consultation.     She  will  guide  you  safely. 

How  may  I  keep  a  college  athlete  from 
kissing  me  if  he  wants  to?  Nell. 

Answer.  Send  me  a  self -addressed  stamped 
envelope. 

I  am  very  thin  and  inclined  to  whine  in 
unguarded  moments,  yet  I  have  many 
gentlemen  admirers.  Is  there  any  account- 
ing for  infatuations?  Belle. 

Answer.    No. 

I  have  been  going  with  a  young  man  for 
seven  years.  He  is  qualified  in  every  way 
to  make  me  a  splendid  husband.  I  try 
awfully  hard  to  like  him  but  he  wears  a 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


set  ring  on  the  middle  finger  of  each  hand. 
What  would  you  do?  Beatrice. 

Answer.  It  is  a  serious  failing,  to  be 
sure,  but  remember  we  all  have  our  faults. 

I  am  very  popular  but  I  have  no  evening 
clothes.     How  shall  I  proceed?  Bob. 

Answer.     Stick  to  your  present  system. 

Is  there  any  rule  for  cutting  steak  after 
it  has  been  served  to  you?  Maud. 

Answer.  The  recipient  of  a  piece  of  steak 
should  keep  one  foot  on  the  floor  while 
cutting  it. 

How  many  terms  must  a  postmaster  serve 
before  he  becomes  a  gilt-edged  pinochle 
player?  Cap. 

Answer.    Two,   and   sometimes   three. 

While  studying  to  be  an  artist  may  a 
student  draw  on  his  father?       Clement. 

Answer.  In  case  a  young  man  or  woman 
takes  up  the  study  of  art  without  first  learn- 


A  L  M   A   N   A   C   K 


ing  a  trade  it  becomes  necessary  in  the 
absence  of  other  material  to  draw  on  some- 
thing, although  it  is  not  at  all  obligatory. 

Is  there  any  way  to  arrange  the  hair  that 
will  not  emphasize  a  retreating  chin? 

CmsPA 

Answer.    No 

I  am  madly  in  love  with  a  worthless  gen- 
tleman but  my  mother  objects  to  him. 
Are  worthy  young  men  ever  attractive? 

Caprice. 

Answer.    There    are    isolated    instances. 

Please  tell  me  the  most  direct  route  to 
a  man's  heart.  Louise. 

Answer.  The  stomach  is  the  great  division 
point  for  all  lines  leading  to  a  man's  heart, 
with  side  trips  to  the  liver  and  lights. 

Is  wax-flower  making  a  lost  art? 

Adelaide. 
Answer.    Yes,  and  there  is  no  reward. 


ALMANACK 


What  is  considered  a  fair  yield  of  turnips? 

Robert. 
Answer.    Any  kind  of  a  turnip  crop  is  a 
failure. 

I  am  a  young  lady  with  auburn  hair, 
seventeen  years  old  and  no  blackheads. 
How  may  I  profitably  invest  one  dollar 
and  seventy  cents  which  I  have  saved? 

Annette. 

Answer.  Hide  it  where  it  may  be  reached 
readily.    You  may  get  a  wedding  invitation. 

Is  it  proper  to  get  married  merely  to  have 
somebody  to  hook  your  back?       Clarice. 
Answer.    Make  a  confidant  of  your  mother. 

-  Can  there  be  perfect  happiness  where  the 
husband  is  absolutely  sure  of  his  wife's 
love?  Garnet. 

Answer.    No. 

Is  there  any  pinching  process  that  will 
enliven  pale  ear  lobes  for  an  entire  evening? 


ALMANACK 


How  old  IS  John  Drew?  May  I  sow  larkspur 
out  of  doors?  What  states  pay  the  highest 
salaries  to  school  teachers  under  twenty 
and  of  fair  quality?  Name  some  desirable 
locaHty  where  there  is  a  preponderance  of 
men.  Ionia. 

Answer,  i.  I  do  not  know.  2.  I  do 
not  know.  3.  I  do  not  know.  4.  I  do  not 
know.     5.  I  do  not  know. 

I  have  be'en  asked  to  go  to  a  picnic  with 
a  young  man  who  wears  a  belt  in  addition 
to  suspenders.     Would  he  excite  comment? 

Florinel. 

Answer.  I  would  forego  the  pleasure  in 
this  instance.  The  season  is  young  and 
you  will  doubtless  have  other  opportunities. 

I  am  often  forced  to  walk  downtown  with 
a  neighbour  who  insists  on  discussing  books. 
As  I  have  beautified  my  home  premises  at 
an  enormous  expense  I  do  not  wish  to  sell 
out  if  I  can  help  it.  Will  you  please  suggest 
something?  ^  Sam. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


Answer.  I  would  sell.  Peace  is  worth 
any  sacrifice. 

I  am  often  invited  to  attend  musical  treats. 
How  may  I  decline  and  still  appear  appre- 
ciative. Annabelle. 

Answer.  I  can  offer  no  suggestion.  Be 
cheerful  and  remember  that  into  each  life 
some  rain  must  fall. 

Will  you  please  suggest  some  pleasant 
remedy  for  the  liver  besides  buttermilk? 
I  am  frail  and  do  not  admire  it. 

Fanchette. 

Answer.    Riding  on  an  elephant. 

I  am  much  in  the  society  of  a  young  lady 
whose  father  runs  a  saloon  where  my  father 
plays  dominoes.  Is  she  good  enough  for 
me?  Clarence.J 

Answer.  If  she  is  a  good,  shapely,  sensi- 
ble girl  and  you  are  fond  of  one  another  I 
can  see  no  objection  to  your  father  playing 
dominoes  —  if  he  keeps  on  playing. 


ALMANACK 


Through  unwise  speculations  my  father 
is  at  last  reduced  to  straightened  circum- 
stances. Please  suggest  some  light,  pleasant 
employment  that  will  not  interfere  with 
my  Swedish  chest  exercises.        Eulalie. 

Answer.  It  would  be  best  to  forego  your 
beauty  treatment  until  you  get  on  a  good 
paving  basis. 

I  am  a  worthy  young  man  of  splendid 
habits  and  good  prospects.  I  have  ushered 
at  seventeen  church  weddings  and  put  up 
thirty-two  hammocks  so  far  this  season,  and 
yet  the  girls  do  not  seem  to  care  for  me. 

Ersie. 

Answer.  Intersperse  your  exemplary  hab- 
its with  an  occasional  rash  act. 

I  am  regarded  as  being  cute  and  witty, 
and  yet  my  quieter  girl  friends  are  doing 
all  the  marrying.  Is  it  my  style  of  pitching 
or  a  wee  mole  near  my  upper  lip  that  is 
handicapping  me?  Vrtan. 

Answer,    It  is  probably  difficult  for  your 


ABB    MARTIN'S 


gentlemen  frienas  to  imagine  you  scouring 
a  sink  or  turning  an  egg.  I  suggest  soberer 
methods  with  just  a  dash  of  comedy  here 
and  there. 

Is  it  permissible  to  hold  hands  with  a 
young  man  who  has  only  called  on  me  once? 

Madge. 
Answer.    It  is  often  necessary. 

Will  you  please  suggest  some  means 
whereby  I  may  hasten  the  growth  of  rhu- 
barb? Aunt  Ella. 

Answer.  Don't  force  rhubarb.  It  will 
get  ripe  soon  enough. 

I  have  a  little  boy  nine  years  old  that 
can  draw  anything.  Will  you  suggest 
some  good  art  school  where  I  may  send 
him?  Pap. 

Answer.  You  have  a  remarkable  child. 
I  do  not  know  of  any  art  school  that  needs 
him. 


ALMANACK 


Where  may  I  buy  butter  colour  to  match 
any  hair?  Thrifty  Farmer. 

Answer.  Don't  know.  You  can  buy  hair 
dye  to  match  any  butter.    All  druggists. 

My  husband  buys  forty-five  cents  worth 
of  mixed  drinks  every  time  I  send  him  for 
a  five-cent  loaf  of  bread.  How  long  will 
we  keep  our  home?  Margery. 

Answer.  It  takes  longer  to  drink  up  some 
homes  than  it  does  others.  Try  baking 
your  own  bread 

LATER. 

Your  kind  suggestion  was  acted  upon 
and  our  home  will  be  sold  under  the  hanomer 
to-morrow,  Margery 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


January  14,  i8yg.  Isaac  Moon,  promi- 
nent agriculturalist,  died  near  Dayton,  Ohio. 
His  cultivator  may  still  be  seen  standing  in 
the  open  field  just  where  he  left  it  six  months 
before  he  died. 

July  J/,  1820.  Harold  LeClair,  actor, 
was  born  at  Bucksport,  Maine.  LeClair 
first  discovered  that  tomatoes  were  edible 
while  essaying  the  part  of  Hamlet  at  Ann 
Arbor,  Michigan. 

May  7,  i8g6.  Nathaniel  Marsh  Zane, 
aged  100  years,  died  at  Sharp's  Crossing, 
Ohio.  He  was  in  Chicago  the  week  following 
the  nomination  of  James  G.  Blaine. 


ALMANACK 


TELL  BINKLEY 

Perhaps  nobody  ever  contributed  more 
lavishly  to  the  spiritual  and  material  up- 
building of  his  home  county  than  Tell 
Bmkley.  Mr.  Bink- 
ley  has  been  a  mem- 
ber of  the  Civic  Pride 
Club,  Commercial 
Club,  all  secret  or- 
ders, humane  and 
charity  organizations 
and  prominently 
mentioned  twice  for 
county  treasurer, 
three  times  for 
county  recorder  and 
once  for  road  super- 
visor. He  has  been 
especially  active  in 
Sunday  school  and 
foreign  mission  affairs  and  was  the  foreman 
of  a  jury  some  years  ago  in  a  celebrated 
cow  case  that  commanded  the  attention  of 
the  whole  country.     It  was  through  the  un- 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


tiring  energy  of  Mr.  Binkley  that  the  Bean 
Blossom  Trust  Company,  a  home  for  the 
savings  of  children  and  widows,  was  prop- 
erly financed  and  operated.  Mr.  Biiakley 
was  the  treasurer  and  guiding  spirit  of  the 
concern. 

After  wrecking  the  trust  company  Mr. 
Binkley  resided  some  years  at  Ft.  Leaven- 
worth, Kansas  (the  prison  at  Columbus, 
Ohio,  being  overcrowded),  after  which  he 
returned  to  his  old  stamping  grounds. 
Mr.  Binkley  sells  tornado  insurance  and 
owns  a  touring  car. 


A  L  M   A   N   A   C   K 

Mrs.  Tilford  Moots  entertained  th' 
Art  Embroidery  Club  yisterday  as  it 
wuz  too  wet  t'  plow. 

A  slangy  evangelist  does  about  as 
much  good  as  an  auctioneer. 

Next  t'  a  good  resturint  th'  hardest 
thing  to  find  is  yisterday' s  paper. 

Conceit  an'  a  tuxedo  suit  er  often 
all  that's  necessary. 

V 

Quite  a  crowd  gathered  in  front  o* 
th'  Little  Gem  resturint  yisterday  t* 
see  a  feller  with  a  droopin'  mustache 
eat  spaghetty. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 

Ther's  many  a  slip  twixt  th'  blue 
prints  an'  a  new  house. 

It's  funny  women'don't  even  absent- 
mindedly  shut  a  car  door  occasionally. 

Lafe  Bud  says  he's  sorry  he  didn't 
learn  t'  be  a  dentist  so  he  could  charge 
folks  jist  what  he  happened  to  need. 

Constable  Plum's  married  dorter, 
who  lives  in  a  city,  went  to  see  John 
Drew  in  a  sack  suit  last  night. 


ALMANACK 


Th'  whistle  never  blows  fer  mother. 


A  B  E    M  A  R  T  I  N  '  S 


Speakin*  o*  cafes,  some  fellers  would 
eat  a  croquet  ball  if  a  orchestry  wuz 
playin.' 

Faint  heart  never  won  fair  lady  er 
got  its  change  back  from  a  box  office 
window. 

Th'  fact  that  all  our  great  men 
studied  at  night  don't  seem  t'  hurt  th' 
nickel  the-atcrs. 


It  seems  uke  you  can't  buy  anything 
any  more  that  lasts  as  long  as  th'  ole 
one. 


ALMANACK 


UNCLE  NILES  TURNER 

While  Uncle  Niles  Turner  is  a  trifle  over 
one  hundred  and  three  years  old  he  unhesi- 
tatingly admits  that,  except  for  the  scarcity 

of  wild  turkeys,  our 
modern  way  of  liv- 
ing compares  fa- 
vourably in  most 
respects  to  that  in 
vogue  fifty  or  sev- 
enty-five years  ago. 
Mr.  Turner  re- 
tains his  faculties 
to  a  wonderful  de- 
gree and  can  ad- 
dress a  souvenir 
post-card  without 
the  aid  of  spec- 
tacles. He  claims  to  have  once  read  a  presi- 
dent's message  and  can  remember  when 
tomatoes  were  ornaments  and  trousers  were 
lined  like  garden  hose.  It  is  always  a 
pleasure  to  hear  Mr.  Turner  describe  the 


ABE    MARTI  N'S 


exciting  days  following  the  introduction  of 
rhubarb  into  the  United  States. 

Although  Mr.   Turner  brought  the  first 
organ  to  Indiana  he  is  generally  respected. 


A   C 


One  good  thing  about  livin'  on  a 
farm  is  that  you  kin  fight  with  your 
wife  without  bein'  heard. 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  says  her 
objection  to  a  tourin'  car  is  that  you 
can't  throw  th'  lines  around  th'  whip. 

'^ 

Ever'buddy  stood  up  at  Melodeon 
Hall  last  night  when  th'  orchestry 
played  "  My  Country,  What  is  it  t' 
you?" 

Ez  Pash  asked  Dr.  Mops  what  wuz 
th'  matter  with  Miss  Mouldy  Bud  an' 
he  said,  "  Oh,  you  wouldn't  know  if  I 
could  pronounce  it." 


ABE    MARTIN'S 

Nothin'  sounds  as  good  as  your 
wife's  singin,'  whether  she  knows  how 
er  not. 

Lafe  Bud  was  arrested  by  the 
weights  and  measures  inspector  fer 
braggin*  about  a  ten-pound  baby. 

"^ 

Talkin'  o'  great  authors,  a  hog  from 
th'  pen  o'  Tilford  Moots  brought 
$47.21  yisterday. 

Some  folks  don't  seem  t'  have 
nothin'  but  a  lot  o'  infermation. 

V 

Miss  Tawney  Apple's  niece  is  t'  be 
married  jist  as  soon  as  her  paw's 
able. 


ALMANACK 


Bosko  Moon  died  at  8g  yisterday. 
He  was  th'  first  Democrat  t'  be  well 
liked  in  this  county. 

If  at  first  you  don't  succeed,  let  your 
hair  grow  an'  git  a  broad-rimmed  soft 
hat  an'  a  Windsor  tie. 

V 

Mortimer  Green  (wet)  an'  wife  (dry) 
Wednesdayed  at  Morgantown. 

V 

Some  girls  git  all  ther  is  out  o'  life 
in  one  summer. 

You  kin  alius  tell  a  travelin'  sales- 
man by  th'  number  o'  seats  he  mon- 
opolizes. 


ARTI 


This  is  a  funny  ole  world.  Jist  as 
soon  as  you  git  fifty  er  seventy-five 
cents  saved  up  your  shoes  break  on 
the  sides. 


Constant  Reader,  Lilac,  Indianny  — 
Th'  little  poem  by  Miss  Fawn  Lippin- 
cut,  which  you  asked  fer,  is  printed 
herewith: — 

Oh,  th'  purty  little  birds  ! 

How  I  love  t'  hear  them  sing, 

Ez  they  flit  from  tree  t'  tree  — 

Let  me  count  them,  one,  two,  three ! 

Some  er  red  an'  some  er  blue, 

But  th'  red  er  very  few. 


ALMANACK 

THE  CHICKEN  FEVER 

By  Ex-Editor  Cale  Fluhart 

La  Salle  Montgomery,  who  recently  traded 
his  magnificent  farm  of  one  hundred  and 
sixty  acres  of  valuable  broom-corn  land  for 
a  poultry  yard  in  Illinois,  has  written  the 
following  letter  to  his  married  daughter, 
Nettie: 

"Meet  me  near  the  old  mill  with  a  straw 
hat.  I  have  a  pair  of  felt  boots  and  a  rain 
coat.    Hurriedly,  Father." 

The  foregoing  is  but  one  of  the  many 
tragedies  directly  attributable  to  the  lure 
of  the  poultry  business  and  tells  the  pathetic 
story  of  a  strong,  robust  farmer  in  the  prime 
of  young  manhood  who  became  crazed  from 
reading  a  poultry  journal.  Perfectly  sane 
men  have  forsaken  home  and  civilization 
in  quest  of  gold,  have  resigned  remunerative 
positions  to  try  their  hands  at  selling  cigars 
or  life  insurance.  Women,  too,  bright, 
intellectual  women,  have  thrown  away  their 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


social  prestige  and  deserted  their  children 
for  some  foolish  hobby  —  in  all  ages  people 
have  rushed  frantically  into  this  or  that 
sometimes  for  gain  and  often  for  the  mere 
gratification  of  some  abnormal  longing.  But 
who  can  explain  our  great  exodus  from  the 
legitimate  channels  of  business  into  the  realm 
of  poultry  culture?  Can  it  be  possible  that 
people  are  influenced  by  what  they  read  in 
this  enlightened  age?    Can  it  be  inspiration? 


ALMANACK 


POULTRY   NOTES 


Mr.  and  Mrs.  Clarence  Morgan  start  to- 
morrow on  a  tour  of  the  world,  to  be  gone 
two  years.  Their  poultry  farm  will  be  in 
charge  of  Mr.  John  Alexander  during  their 
absence. —  Keystone  (Iowa),  Ledger. 


ARTI  N'S 


Aunt  Mandy  Crevison,  of  Ottumna,  Iowa, 
only  lost  two  chicks  out  of  a  possible  seven 
thousand  during  the  first  five-  months  of 
191 1.  Her  crop  was  sold  at  a  fancy  price 
before  an  egg  was  pipped. —  Tyler  (Ore.), 
Scimitar. 

By  far  the  most  fasliionable  cotillion  of 
the  year  was  given  by  Mr.  and  Mrs.  St. 
Obydn  McDougal,  White  Wyandotte  Place, 
South  Island,  Wednesday  eve.  Full  settings 
of  Indian  Runner  duck  eggs  were  given  as 
favors. —  Elgin  (N.  H.),  Bugle. 

Count  Shovelthewhisky,  of  St.  Peters- 
burg, Russia,  is  one  of  the  many  distinguished 
guests  of  the  Warringtons,  of  Minorcas  Place. 
—  Greenfield  (Kan.),  Sun. 

The  Willow  Dale  poultry  yards  are  for 
sale,  as  their  owner,  young  Mr.  Todd,  is 
tired  counting  money.  —  Walnut  Grove 
(Oliio),  Budget. 


ALMANACK 


The  largest  egg  of  the  year  was  laid  on  our 
editorial  desk  yesterday  by  Henry  Moon, 
of  The  Maples  poultry  farm.  Come  again, 
Hen. —  Morristown  (Minn.),  Bulletin. 

The  Rev.  Miles  Stone,  of  Hurley,  Wis., 
has  traded  his  prize  cockerel,  Moses,  for  a 
handsome  new  191 1  torpedo-shaped  racing 
car. —  Bloom  Centre  (Ohio),  Telegram. 

While  returning  from  Cliff  Haven,  N.  J., 
where  she  had  just  marketed  her  eggs,  Mrs. 
Sally  Marsh  was  held  up  and  robbed  of 
$3,900. — Associated  Press  Dispatch. 

William  Allen  Feather,  the  egg  baron  of 
Barred  Rock  Heights,  has  given  $1,000,000, 
unconditionally,  for  a  public  library  at  Jones- 
ville,  Minn. 

There  promises  to  be  a  lively  legal  battle 
over  the  vast  estate  of  the  late  Sam  Pool, 
the  poultryman,  of  Round  Prairie,  Ohio. 


ARTI  N'S 


The  wife  of  Hampton  Wedge,  the  multi- 
millionaire Shanghai  breeder,  has  received 
a  divorce  and  $75,000  a  month  alimony. 
Mr.  Wedge  was  awarded  the  custody  of  the 
chickens. —  St.  Paul  (Ind.),  News. 


Mat  Terrell,  of  the  Ivy  Leaf  poultry  ranch, 
has  sold  his  Buff  Orpington  hen.  Lady  Decies, 
to  a  Boston  fancier,  for  $1,500,000. —  The 
Hen  and  Home  Magazine. 


ALMANACK 


Mrs.  Stanhope  St.  Clair,  a  prominent 
society  leader  of  Cleveland,  Ohio,  earned 
$1,500  from  twenty  hens  on  a  city  lot  40 
X  10,  which  is  the  sixth  best  showing  so  far 
for  191 1. —  The  Galveston  (Tex.),  Egg  Ex- 
change. 

Mrs.  Bob  Braden  has  sold  one  half  interest 
in  her  poultry  business  to  her  husband,  who 
has  disposed  of  his  bank  and  other  valuable 
holdings  that  he  may  give  his  whole  attention 
to  the  cultivation  of  White  Leghorns. — 
Lisbon  (Conn.),  Banner. 


•s 


If  ther's  anything  in  th'  world  that 
ought  t'  fit  snug  it's  a  pair  o*  white 
stockin's. 

V 

As  fer  as  inspiration  goes  ther  haint 
much  difference  between  th'  yaller 
back  novel  and  th'  dollar  eighteen  kind, 
'cept  th'  boys  go  West  an  th'  girls  go 
East. 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  says  that  one 
bad  thing  about  v/hite  shoes  is 
that  they  all  look  like  number  eights. 


Once  in  a  long,  long  time  you  meet 
some  one  that  haint  bein'  either 
knocked  or  boosted. 


ALMANACK 

ly  I   I         !■■■■■     M.^— ^—11         ■■    II     III.  I  ^1  I  I    ■■  I  ■  II     I  I    , ., 

A  end-seat"  hog  is  alius  somebuddy 
you  don't  care  t'  rub  up  ag'in. 

V 

Folks  that  rush  in  alius  crawl  out. 

V 

Fer  every  feller  that  goes  in  th' 
chicken  business  one  fails. 

V 

People  that  bliirt  out  jist  what  they 
think  wouldn't  be  so  bad  if  they 
thought. 

V 

Th'  girl  that  runs  with  an  easy  mark 
alius  marries  a  tightwad. 

Th'  farmer  that  used  t'  go  home 
after  th'  perade  now  stays  fer  the  show. 


BE    MARTI  N'S 


I'll  bet  if  ther  wuz  a  uniform  devorce 
law  Jake  Astor  would  have  a  swell 
uniform. 


Next  t'  a  blue  tub  full  o'  pink  flow- 
ers ther  haint  nothin'  that  spoils  a 
landscape  like  father  settin*  on  th'  ve- 
randy  in  his  bare  feet. 

V 

A  self  made  man  wouldn't  be  so 
bad.  if  he'd  jist  keep  still  about  it. 

Some  fellers  er  very  fastidious  till 
they  come  t*  a  free  lunch.  One  fork 
makes  th'  whole  world  kin» 

V 

Th'  feller  with  th'  droopin  tan  mous- 
tache alius  prefers  it  on  th'  cob. 


ALMANACK 


Curt  Hodges,  our  tonsorial  artist, 
reports  a  big  Saturday  —  one  hair  cut, 
two  shaves  an'  a  hedge. 


Lafe  Bud  got  a  advertisin'  circular 
this  mornin'  from  a  tailor  that  thinks 
he's  single. 

A  romantic  girl  alius  marries  a 
scamp. 

Mrs.  Tilford  Moot  is  th'  mother  o' 
seven  grown  children  —  all  married 
'cept  six. 

V 

Look  out  for  th*  boy  that  buys  a 
diamond  with  his  first  earnin's. 


ABE    MAR  TIN'S 

If  ther's  anything  in  a  feller  a  second 
wife' 11  git  it  out. 

"^ 

Ez  Pash  says  th'  centre  o'  popula- 
tion is  in  th'  hairbrush  at  th*  New 
Palace  hut-tel. 


A  clerk  is  alius  tickled  t*  death  t* 
wait  on  th'  person  that  drums  on  th' 
counter. 

V 

A  feller  kin  often  attract  more  atten- 
tion by  keepin'  still. 

Pinkey  Kerr  wuz  able  t*  walk  down 
town  this  mornin'  fer  th'  first  time 
since  he  smoked  a  se-gar  he  bought 
on  a  train. 


A  L   M    A    N    A 


LAFE  BUD 


Lafe  Bud  developed  a  hatred  for  agricul- 
ture early  in  life  and  began  a  commercial 
career  by  taking  up  with  a  crayon  portrait 
house  and  preying 
on  the  humbler 
classes.  He  can 
now  ride  with  the 
window  down,  reg- 
isters from  New 
York  and  can  look 
at  a  bill  o'  fare 
without  b  eing 
seized  with  indecis- 
ion. Mr.  Bud  is  in 
his  twenty-eighth 
year  and  has  been 
married  five  times 
and  still  carries  a 
cane  and  a  pocket- 
ful of  lavender 
buds, 
suit  clubs  and  lost  his  first  travelling  position 


liction,  a  coun- 
o'  $3»ooo  worth 


vful  hard  season 
t'  keep  her  v^^hite 
elp  her  mother. 


^rence  between 
vhat  he  thinks 

He  has  been  blackl    -..^    ^c  ui  lwo 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


for  charging  five  dollars  for  supper  at  Ko- 
komo  in  his  expense  account. 

Mr.  Bud  recently  declined  a  splendid 
offer  to  keep  books  because  doughnuts  and 
Busy  Bee  coffee  don't  agree  with  him. 


A  clerk  is  allu 
wait  on  th'  perso 
counter. 

A  feller  kin  ofte 
tion  by  keepin'  st 


Pinkey  Kerr  ^ 
town  this  mor 
since  he  smok 


ALMANACK 


Tipton  Bud  was  jugged  yisterday 
fer  disturbin'  th'  peace  while  writin'  a 
pustal  card  with  a  pustoffice  pen. 

Speakin  o'  Indianny  fiction,  a  coun- 
try editur  wuz  robbed  o'  $3,000  worth 
o'  jewelry  th'  other  day. 


This  has  been  a  awful  hard  season 
on  th'  girl  that's  tried  t'  keep  her  white 
shoes  clean  an'  still  help  her  mother. 


Ther  haint  much  difference  between 
th'  feller  that  says  jist  what  he  thinks 
an'  th'  feller  that  says  just  what  he 
thinks  you  think  when  it  comes  t' 
bein'  a  pest. 


ARTI  N'S 


Ther's  three  kind  o'  eggs  on  th' 
market  these  days  —  fresh,  strictly 
fresh  an'  those  known  t'  be  fresh. 


Next  t'  th'  average  relative  ther 
haint  nothin'  that  sticks  as  tight  as  a 
stamp  that's  been  put  on  by  mistake. 

"^ 

Next  t'  a  cantaloupe  ther  haint 
nothin'  as  fickle  as  a  pop'lar  girl. 

When  a  feller  gits  beaten  fer  office 
he  alius  says  his  wife  didn't  want  him 
t'  run. 

How'd  you  like  t'  be  pug  nosed  an' 
have  t'  wear  spectacles  ? 


ALMANAC 


(i  ,s\i,,via^ 


It  looks  like  jist  th'  folks  that  ought 
f  be  walkin'  have  automobiles. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


While  attendin'  a  Sunday  school 
convention  yisterday  Tipton  Bud 
bought  three  sequestered  bonds. 


Th'  socialist  party  is  jist  around  th' 
corner. 

A   onion    a   day   keeps    th'    doctor 
away  —  an'  others. 


Ever'buddy    is    afraid    o'   boardin' 
house  hash  but  a  one  armed  feller. 


Th'  unusual  plentifulness  o'  parsnips 
ought  t'  greatly  reduce  th'  cost  o' 
livin' —  likewise  the  desire. 


A  L  M   A    N   A 


It's  twice  as  hard  t'  do  somethin' 
you  ought  f  do  as  it  is  t'  do  somethin* 
you  can't  do. 


What's  become  o'  th'  fresh  clerk 
with  a  glass  solitaire  that  used  t'  slap 
you  on  th'  back  an'  say,  "Well,  what's 
on  your  mind  t'day  ?" 

You  can't  even  git  a  divorce  any 
more  without  a  tourin'  car. 


Ther's  generally  a  false  bottom  in  a 
bushel  o'  fun. 


Th'  girl  that  wears  a  hobble  skirt 
wouldn'  stoop  t'  do  lots  o'  things. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


Ever  notice  how  quick  a  father  sets 
his  child  down  after  he  carries  him 
into  a  circus  fer  nothin'  ?  f 


Ther's  lots  o'  difference  between 
thrift  an'  tryin'  t'  revive  a  last  year's 
straw  hat. 


Kindness  goes  a  long  ways  lots  o' 
times  when  it  ought  t'  stay  at  home. 


Pinky  Kerr  says  that  one  o'  th'  best 
things  about  livin'  in  a  E  flat  town  is 
that  you  kin  wear  th'  same  collar  all 
summer. 


ALMANACK 


CONSTABLE  NEWT  PLUM 


iroiigh  some  unaccountable  provision 
of  nature  we  occasionally  find  some  gentle- 
man who  has  risen  from  most  unhospitable 
soil  to  a  position  of 

affluence.  Constable  ClulT  yistena^ 

Newt  Plum  is  a 
notable  instance. 
Mr.  Plum  was  raised 

on  a  beautiful  and    imembered,  but  it's 
productive  farm  in  vveeter   t'    be    over- 
the    Miami    River 
Valley    in    Ohio  ^>^ 
After   exhausting  ^ 
the  facilities  of  tK^^  ^^^^^  hatched  el- 
common  schools  k.  ,  , 

father  sent  him  , '"separable. 

Princeton  Unive)  ^ 
broad  jumps  wer3  the  envy  oi  all  ms  class- 
mates. Quitting  that  famous  institution 
crowned  with  hor  ours  he  entered  the  Cincin- 
nati Law  School,  where  he  finished  in  fine 
form.    Striking  West  to  do  for  himself  with 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


only  $7,000  to  tide  him  over  in  case  of  ill 
luck  he  found  himself  after  a  few  months 
working  as  a  common  field  hand,  playing 
pool  in  the  evening  and  saving  his  money 
through  the  long  tedious  days.  He  finally 
drifted  to  Brown  County,  Indiana,  and, 
being  a  fellow  who  could  drink  or  leave  it 
sdora  an'  tryin'  tt  into  poUtics.  Luckily, 
straw  hat.  he  was  nominated  and 

isition  he  has  held  many 

\ 

long  career  in  office 

Kindness  goes  a  kted  once.    A  pair  of 

times  when  it  ought  t'ted  from  the  star's 

last  season  during 

■:-^\^--:l.:  <S^     '     Constable  Plum 

•n-   ^      TT  ^t-   ,wed  it  to  the  livery 

Pinky  Kerr  says  thai      ,  '' 

things  about  livin'  in  a 

that  you  kin  wear  th'  ^. 


ALMANACK 


I  don't  know  which  is  th'  worst,  a 
belt  with  suspenders  er  nothin'  at  all. 


A  bookkeeper  won  th'  bun  eatin' 
contest  at  th'  picnic  given  by  th'  ladies 
o'  th'  Art  Imbroidery  Club  yisterday. 

'Tis  sweet  t'  be  remembered,  but  it's 
sometimes  still  sweeter  t'  be  over- 
looked. 

Short  sleeves  and  cross  hatched  el- 
bows seem  t'  be  inseparable. 


If  ther's  anybuddy  I  can't  stand  fer 
it's  th'  clerk  that  shows  you  th'  kind 
he  wears. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


It's  purty  hard  to  be  reminiscent 
without  bein'  soft. 

Th'  survivors  of  a  seven  dollar 
Niagary  Falls  excursion  had  a  picnic 
at  th'  ole  Pash  farm  yisterday  an'  some 
o'  th'  fellers  stayed  so  long  they  finally 
danced  witn  their  wives. 

It's  funny  how  many  thoroughly 
honest    people   keep    ever'thing  they 


Th'   principal   objection    t'   woman 
suffrage  is  th'  ladies'  man. 


ALMA 


A    C   K 


PROF.  HARNER 


Prof.  Clem  Harner  is  the  sole  instigator 
of  the  Brown  County  Silver  Cornet  Band, 
which  plays  on  the  slightest  pretense.  Two 
decades  ago  Prof. 
Harner  was  identi- 
fied with  a  num- 
ber of  travelling 
caravans  and  talks 
in  the  most  capti- 
vating and  intelli- 
gent manner  about 
being  overcome  by 
canned  tomatoes 
at  Tombstone, 
Arizona,  and  of 
once  spending  a 
whole  afternoon 
between  trains  at 
Urbana,  Ohio. 
Professor  Harner  has  also  shaken  hands  with 
William  Jennings  Bryan  twenty- two  times 
and  narrowly  averted  hearing  Hon.  Charles 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


Warren  Fairbanks  speak  at  Shoals,  Indiana, 
two  years  ago. 

During  the  last  campaign  Professor  Har- 
ner  and  his  associate  players  serenaded  Hon. 
J.  Ham  Lewis  at  a  hotel  at  Peru,  Indiana. 
On  this  occasion  Mr.  Lewis  appeared  on 
the  balcony  in  pearl-coloured  silk  pajamas 
and  told  them  a  negro  dialect  story  that 
,they  had  only  heard  ei^ht  times. 


ALMANACK 

Th'  high  cost  o'  livin'  has  put  a 
crimp  in  table  manners. 

Nobuddy  kin  clean  up  as  much  in 
one  term  as  th'  official  that  didn'  ex- 
pect t'  be  elected. 

Our  pessimists  held  a  indignation 
meetin'  last  night  on  account  o'  th'  big 
cherry  crop. 

We  still  pay  more  fer  less  in  spite  o' 
th'  Supreme  Hench. 


How'd  you  like  t'  have  a  relative 
that's  a  aviator  an'  liable  t'  drop  in  on 
you  any  time  ? 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


A  bum  planner  an'  a  bum  pianner 
player  alius  git  t'gether. 


While  fightin'  fer  th'  custody  o'  a 
rich  uncle  yisterday  Mrs.  Tipton  Bud 
painfully  lacerated  her  hand  on  a  belt 
buckle. 

What's  worse  than  gittin'  all 
scrumpled  down  t'  read  an'  findin'  a 
page  uncut  ? 

Th'  more  a  feller  thinks  he  knows 
th'  less  money  he  seems  t'  make. 


ALMANACK 


A  loafer  alius  has  a  nickel  plated 
pencil  holder. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


Jealousy  is  as  hard  t'  hide  as  a  bass 
drum. 

Ther  haint  much  t'  a  eighty-cent 
roast  after  you  subtract  th'  rib  an'  th' 
index  finger. 

Speakin*  o*  th*  high  cost  o'  courtin*, 
who  remembers  when  all  a  feller 
needed  wuz  a  narrow  buggy  an'  a 
sack  o'  red  cinnamon  drops  ? 

V 

A  state  bank  wuz  robbed  by  outside 
parties  yisterday. 

V 

Nobuddy  recovers  as  quickly  as  th' 
feller  that  sells  out  on  account  o'  ill 
health. 


ALMANACK 


It's  a  wise  newspaper  reader  that 
kin  tell  th'  Lusitania  from  th'  scout 
ship  Chester. 

V 

A  rich  man  an'  his  daughter  er  soon 
parted. 

Th'  feller  that  owns  his  own  home 
is  alius  jist  comin'  out  o'  a  hardware 
store. 

Th'  ole  family  Bible,  like  wax 
flowers  an'  pine  cone  picture  frames, 
has  been  relegated. 


Lafe  Bud  says  he'd  like  t'  be  swell 
an'  smoke  at  th'  dinner  table. 


ABE 


It's  mighty  unfortunate  that  th' 
burnin'  o'  fall  leaves  an'  th'  campaign 
se-gar  must  have  conflictin'  dates. 

Th'  worst  kind  o'  sudden  adversity 
is  gittin'  married  on  a  salary. 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  has  got  a  let- 
ter from  her  cousin,  who's  travelin' 
with  a  opery  troupe,  sayin'  that 
another  landlord  has  joined  th'  show, 
greatly  strengthenin'  th'  chorus. 


Ther's  alius  somethin'  about  a  good 
fer  nothin'  feller  t'  attract  a  purty 
girl. 


A  L 


N    A    C    K 


ABE   MARTIN 

Abe  Martin  was  born  at  Roundhead,  Har- 
din County,  Ohio,  some  time  between  the 
first  and  second  Seminole  War.  He  got  his 
early  education  in  a 
general  store  and 
played  a  yellow  clar- 
inet in  a  band  on 
Johnson's  Island, 
Lake  Erie,  during  the 
Rebellion  of  which 
we  have  all  heard  so 
much.  After  his  out- 
ing was  broken  up 
he  w^ent  to  Brown 
County,  Indiana,  to 
reside  with  his  wife's 
folks.  Mr.  Martin 
votes  the  Democratic 
ticket  for  nothing  and  is  a  student  of  the 
film  and  drama.  He  eats  sardines  between 
the  acts  and  boasts  of  having  seen  "The 
Hidden  Hand"  twenty-one  times  and  Julia 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


Marlowe  in  "Pinafore"  once.  He  says 
politics  is  just  one  five-cent  cigar  after 
another  and  that  the  Union  was  preserved 
so  ball  players  could  practise  in  the  South. 


ALMANACK 

Ex-editur  Cale  Fluhart  talks  some 
o'  startin'  a  newspaper  in  Oklahoma, 
where  they  raise  two  crops  o'  turnips 
a  year. 

Tell  Binkley  paid  ten  cents  an'  took 
th'  oriental  degree  in  a  circus  side 
show  yisterday. 

Tilford  Moots  got  a  letter  from  a 
newspaper  sayin'  his  time  wuz  up  an* 
t'day  he  wrote  his  will. 

Tell  Binkley  is  still  confined  t'  his 
home  on  account  o'  tire  trouble. 


Ther  would    be    some    sense  t'   a 
"Don't  Worry  Anybuddy  Club." 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


Uncle  Ez  Pash's  case  is  puzzlin'  th' 
doctors.  He  eats  well  an'  sleeps  well 
but  don't  want  t'  spend  anything. 


Talk  about  gittin'  back  t'  th'  consti- 
tution, a  mother  named  her  baby- 
Martha  Jane  th'  other  day. 

V 

Uncle  Niles  Turner  visited  up  t'  In- 
dynoplus  last  week  fer  th'  first  time  in 
fifty  years.  He  says  that  next  t'  th' 
roller  towels  in  the  leadin'  hut-tels  th' 
street  cars  an'  soldiers'  monument  in- 
terested him  most. 


A  L 


C    1^ 


MRS.  TIPTON  BUD 

Mrs.  Tipton  Bud  is  a  remarkable  woman. 
She  not  only  has  five  sons  in  the  regular 
army,  two  in  the  navy 
and    three    who   are 
motormen,  and  scat- 
tered   through    the 
East,    but    she    still 
has    the    farm    her 
father  gave  her,  un- 
encumbered,     to- 
gether  with   a   very 
fair  piano.   Mrs.  Bud 
attends  to  every  de- 
tail of  her  farm  per-  / 
sonally,   picking   the  ' 
milk   with   her    own 
hands  and  tilling  and 
garnering  the  crops. 
She    also    holds   the 
formula   for   a   very 
valuable  and   never- 
failing  sheep  dip  that  promises   to    revive 
the  interest  in   wool.     With  all  her  many 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


business  cares  Mrs.  Bud  finds  time  to  con- 
tribute much  to  the  social  Hfe  of  the  com- 
munity wherein  she  resides,  being  a  member 
of  the  Colonial  Whist  Club,  the  Art  Embroi- 
dery Club,  the  Ne  plus  Ultra  Mothers'  Guild, 
the  Corn  Club,  the  Society  for  the  Drainage 
of  Arid  Lands,  and  the  Catsup  Makers' 
Alliance. 

Mrs.  Bud's  husband  was  a  delegate  to 
the  Tri-state  Checker  Players'  League  Con- 
vention at  Xenia,  Ohio,  in  1881. 


ALMANAC 


Lots  o'  folks  confuse  bad  manage- 
ment with  destiny. 

V 

What's  become  o'  th'  ole  fashioned 
uncompromisin'  republican  ? 

I  haint  mentionin'  any  perticular 
sex,  but  I  want  t'  say  right  here  that 
anybuddy  that  haint  got  sense  enough 
t'  shut  a  car  door  haint  got  sense 
enough  t'  vote. 

Who  remembers  when  box-toed  al- 
ligator shoes  wuz  all  th'  rage  ? 


A  magazine  never  fergits  to  cut  th' 
advertisin'  pages. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 

Lib  Pash  has  a  uncle  that's  been  a 
workin'  man  so  long  he  don't  vote 
at  all. 

Women  alius  say  some  married 
friend  ''seems"  t'  be  happy. 


Th'  feller  that  leaves  his  pick  up  in 
th'  air  when  th'  whistle  blows  will 
alius  be  found  workin'  fer  somebuddy 
else. 

Too  many  fellers  make  friends  jist 
t'  sell  'em  somethin'. 


Nobuddy  ever  feels  sorry  fer  a  wo- 
man that's  lost  a  dog. 


ALMANACK 


You'll  never  find  out  your  wife's 
true  disposition  till  some  store  fails  t' 
deliver  somethin'. 


Th'  greatest  take  off  on  th'  farmer  is 
th'  corn  shredder. 


^ 


Burglars  broke  in  an'  stole  Mrs.  Til- 
ford  Moots's  garnet  earrings  last  night. 
She  didn'  report  t'  th'  authorities  'cause 
she  didn'  want  th'  constable  t'  track 
th'  house  up. 


Mrs.  Tipton  Bud  has  bought  a 
pianner  as  she  is  very  fond  o'  pay- 
ments. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


Tell  Binkley  has  quit  work  an'  ac- 
cepted a  position. 

V 

Th'  more  some  fellers  think  they 
amount  to  th'  harder  it  is  t'  read  ther 
writin'. 


A  rhubarb  pie  wouldn't  be  so  bad  if 
it  didn't  overflow  its  banks. 

V 

I'd  hate  t'  be  married  t'  a  suffra- 
gette an'  have  t'  eat  Battle  Creek 
breakfasts. 


ALMANACK 


Where's  th'  girls  that  used  t'  blush? 


I 


ABE    MARTIN'S 

Tryin'  t'  outdo  a  neighbor  is  one  o 
th'  pop'lar  routes  t'  bankrupsy. 

With  all  our  modern  didoes  we  still 
have  th'  ole  fashioned  breakfast. 

A  loafer  alius  has  th'  correct  time. 

V 

Constable  Plum's  married  daughter 
has  only  lived  in  a  city  two  weeks  an' 
she's  had  her  name  in  th'  paper  four 
times  —  once  fer  gittin'  hit  by  a  auto 
an'  three  times  fer  gittin*  knocked 
down  by  a  street  car, 

V 

Th'  kitchens  wuz  open  as  usual  on 
Mothers'  Day. 


ALMANACK 


Th'  only  thing  that  carries  more 
baggage  than  a  opery  company  is  a 
woman  travelin'  with  two  babies. 


Ever'  once  in  a  while  ther's  a  public 
official  that  has  saved  enough  money 
t'  do  somethin'  unpopular. 

V 

Ther's  alius  a  lot  o'  pants  buttons 
mixed  up  with  a  married  man's 
change. 

Nothin'  changes  a  feller  like  losin'  a 
good  job  in  th'  fall. 


Folks  that  you    ask   fer  somethin' 
never  like  you  as  well  agen. 


ABE    MARTI  N'S 

Father  'Hm^cuts  a  purty  wide 
swath||MMp|pt  t'  be  glad  he  haint 
got  a  twin^Dmder.    ^ 

Miss  Immortelle  Bud  died  this 
mornin'.  Fer  years  she  wuz  th'  most 
pop'lar  girl  in  town  —  an'  then  she 
sung  in  public. 

Whenever  ther's  a  decision  you'll 
alius  find  th'  consumer  in  th*  list  o* 
injured. 

Th'  Ben  Davis  apple,  like  other  four 
flushers,  has  a  thick  skin. 

■«■ 

Dr.  Cook  haint  any  worse  than  th' 
feller  that's  jist  back  from  Chicago. 


ALMANACK 


••JW?'.,.;;*:^ 


A  one  legged  woman  wouldn'  look 
half  bad  in  a  hobble  skirt. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


A  feller  alius  picks  out  a  suit  o' 
clothes  like  he  never  expected  t'  git 
another  one. 

Miss  Tawney  Apple  received  twen- 
ty-eight votes  fer  queen  o'  th'  corn 
show.     That's  lots  o'  relatives. 

"Who  remembers  th'  ole  speckled 
oilcloth  table  cover  full  o'  slits  where 
th'  knife  glanced  off  the  round  steak  ? 

Constable  Plum's  married  daughter 
haint  got  no  children,  but  she's  raised 
a  fern. 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  is  writin'  a 
film  fer  th'  flicker  circuit. 


ALMANACK 


Fer  ever'  feller  what's  lookin'  fer 
work  ther's  nine  hidin'  from  it. 

V 

Th'  Commercial  Club  had  a  smoker 
last  night  t'  celebrate  th'  fact  that  our 
death  rate  fer  th'  past  year  had  all  th' 
other  towns  around  us  skinned. 


Th'  reason  rich  men's  wives  haint 
happy  is  'cause  ther  bills  er  paid  by 
check  an'  they  don't  git  t'  hold  out  any 
change. 

Tell  Binkley  has  dropped  out  o'  th' 
Aviators'  Club 

Th*  roller  towel  at  th'  New  Palace 
hut-tel  is  cracked  in  three  places. 


ABE    MARTIN'S 


Mrs.  Tilford  Moots'  strugglin'  young 
nephew,  who  was  admitted  to  the  bar 
last  spring,  writes  glowin'ly  o'  his 
prospects  an'  says  he's  liable  t'  be  able 
t'  pay  fer  his  sign  th'  first  year. 

Nothin'  goes  as  fer  as  kindness, 
'cept  th'  butter  in  a  dairy  lunch  room. 

What's  become  o'  th'  standin'  broad 
jump  record  since  th'  tourin'  car  got 
pop'lar  ? 

Th'  New  Palace  hut-tel  asks  th'  in- 
dulgence o*  th'  travelin'  public  fer  a 
few  days  while  th'  roller  towel  is 
being  vulcanized. 


ALMANACK 


Ther's  no  seat  scalpers  fer  th*  water 
wagon. 

Nobuddy  kin  be  as  agreeable  as  a 
uninvited  guest. 


>^-""*''' Ife,, 


The  End 


/ 


THE  LIBRARY 
UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 

Santa  Barbara 


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